


My heart goes, wherever yours is at

by hyacinth_lea



Category: VIXX
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, And they are just pining after each other in their particular ways, Established Relationship, Just Hongbin trying to be his tsundere self to not let his heart get the best of him, Light Angst, M/M, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Sanghyuk is the voice of reason here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2019-10-12
Packaged: 2020-12-09 17:35:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20998691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyacinth_lea/pseuds/hyacinth_lea
Summary: It’s not supposed be like that in the slightest but Hongbin can’t truly help the hints of anxiety that begin showing as he fidgets on his spot. The voices from his friends in an endless chatter regarding the situation they are experiencing right now serves of no help to him--it shouldn’t really affect him this much. Yet, the closer the day had arrived, the more Hongbin had been closing up.And Hongbin gulps when he sees him--after all, Hakyeon never ceases to have that effect on him.





	My heart goes, wherever yours is at

**Author's Note:**

  * For [a_k223](https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_k223/gifts).

> \--part of Intoxicating Nbin kiss lottery
> 
> PROMPT: whispering in between + canon + he rubs his hands together in hopes to ease the nervousness, his feet can't help but shake with a lot of desire to move and put a stop to the person whose back is now getting away from him, who suddenly seems to be so lonely and broken.

Even after having made its way slowly into the city, the air still somehow still feels oddly chilly--carefully surrounding anyone who has stepped outside into the night into a subtle reminder that perhaps spring has not yet settled in. There is something about that fact that makes Hongbin muse that perhaps that’s the most logical reason why his body from time to time has shivers running down every fiber of him, making him effectively push to the back of his mind the thought that his state seems to be related more to the restlessness that has been accompanying him for the past couple of weeks. Hongbin sighs, after all--it’s not only spring the one that hasn’t fully settled in but something he is aware should have by now.

It’s not supposed be like that in the slightest but Hongbin can’t truly help the hints of anxiety that begin showing as he fidgets on his spot, taking to thrust his hands at the insides of his pockets while uneasiness decides that it’s not time to allow him to just stand still.

The voices from his friends in an endless chatter regarding the situation they are experiencing right now serves of no help to him, despite the fact that displays of awful sentimentality are something that has been absent not only today but on the days leading up to this moment--it shouldn’t really affect him this much. Yet, the closer the day had arrived, the more Hongbin had been closing up--doing his best to keep it all at the furthest depths of his mind. Not ouf of wanting to forget, but just as a way of coping with the imminent shift their--his life would take.

It was bound to happen--Hakyeon was not going to be around them for a long while and there was no way to go about it. Hongbin was aware that he wasn’t going to hear from him either for some time, the fact that his phone was going to be taken away from him at the very moment he set foot at the military was something Hongbin was fully aware of. And he knew that this moment could be the last he heard from him for some time before the only response he would be met with turned out being dead silence if he was feeling sappy enough to send a text or even an attempt calling. But it’s something that Hongbin wouldn’t make mention of, mostly to avoid the cooing that would come his way and knowing that Hakyeon would say something along the lines of, _ ‘Oh would you really miss me that much?’ _

They have been waiting outside of their chosen restaurant for a few minutes. Hakyeon had made sure to call Jaehwan to explain that there was traffic and it would take him a few more minutes to be at the agreed place, but this attempt at calming them down actually didn’t help Hongbin--not when Jaehwan’s words about already missing Hakyeon were ringing loud in his ears and being of no help at all. Wonshik’s fake uninterested demeanour pretending that everything was alright was of no aid. And Sanghyuk’s sudden reminiscing just to play it off as a mere joke had turned useless because Hongbin couldn’t find any sort of calm in that, nothing that could put his mind at ease. But what was far more harmful and worse to him was his own attitude, a sudden detachment that was started to crawl its way into him and that did nothing to keep his volatile mind steady.

He had been trying to set up his streaming for some days, testing the connection, trying to solve the issues with audio and the other woes that came with it--- and it’s not like he had tried to avoid Hakyeon while doing that. Yet he wanted his thoughts regarding Hakyeon’s enlistment to be as minimal as they could be, but the bittersweet reality of things only seemed to be turning tangible right in front of his eyes. Right at the moment when it seems that night dazzles just at his sole presence, Hongbin gulps--Hakyeon never ceases to have that effect on him. Yet he doesn’t start with the pranks, only stares as the man comes ever close to him and proving to Hongbin that he is not a mirage that he is conjuring up out of longing he would deny being there on a regular day.

That bright smile that Hakyeon always has playing on his lips doesn’t fail to show up, he carries himself like nothing is wrong--with that silent statement hanging in the air that makes it seem like can deal with it all, anything and everything that comes his way. It makes Hongbin’s heart churn at the sight, words getting tangled up in his mind for he doesn’t know exactly what to tell him and neither how to express that he wishes he didn’t have to be silent about what concerns him. Yet Hongbin is not one to talk, after all, Hakyeon has approached him when he has felt like he wanted to let things out and he has listened and vice versa. That’s how things have always worked between them. 

It takes Hongbin some seconds to realize it, but he notices that Hakyeon is wearing something similar to his own attire, simple and comfortable in jeans and a light hoodie that makes Hongbin bite on the inside of his cheek, playing with the straps of the hoodie he is wearing as a reflex. _ His hoodie _, he likes to call it that.

The way Hakyeon greets each of them is nothing short of cheerful, with hugs and smiles they are used to playfully rejects that now are coupled with apologies upon being late--and it feels like home when he is welcomed with the endless teasing, the usual chaos he has been fond of for years. Hongbin wants to partake, yet he stays still for some minutes admiring Hakyeon’s bright from some meters away. His smile is calming, managing to make warmth course through him as it always has despite how much he seems to fights back and has had a good time by teasing around. He knows he lies through gritted teeth when he says he dislikes it, when what falls from his lips in the playfulness has always been words in which he express that what he feels isn’t so.

“What are you staying still for?” Hakyeon directs his words to Hongbin, gazing at the evident distance that he has taken from them all. He hoped that he would go unnoticed but that was wishing in futility, “Come here” Hakyeon say, forcing Wonshik into a hug while Jaehwan is somehow still clinging to Hakyeon’s waist. A regular sight, but Hongbin just smiles and waves his hand.

“Pass”

“Mean” says Hakyeon with a pout adoring his lips, a frown on his face as his gaze doesn’t tear apart from Hongbin and the younger just laughs it off. It’s not like he doesn’t want to take part in the group hug they are sharing--but he just fears for his stability the moment he finds himself encased in Hakyeon’s orbit and begins to helplessly rotate around him. Just like Earth rotating around the sun, completely unable to stop and vulnerable when it comes to the feelings he keeps for Hakyeon, to the feeling he has had for many years.

“It’s getting late? Let’s go before we lose our table” Hongbin mentions, dismissing for some seconds the way Hakyeon purses his lips in silent complaining.

“Last to enter pays!” Jaehwan exclaims, prompting Wonshik to escape Hakyeon’s headlock and Jaehwan to disentangle himself from Hakyeon’s waist right after seeing Sanghyuk having taken advantage of not being in Hakyeon’s grasp at the time. Hongbin hears Hakyeon laughing, melody dripping like caramel and Hongbin stands still on his spot--glancing at Hakyeon, without any words that can come to him in this moment.

They are left on their own for some minutes which seem to expand in hours, it makes Hongbin go through an inner fight that ends in him not really being able to bring himself to move--completely chained down by the soft smile that Hakyeon is giving him, that one full of silent understanding, the one that communicates thousands of words without the need for them to be voiced.

“Are you going to hug me now?” Hakyeon asks, and Hongbin flinches at the word--making a face that makes Hakyeon let out a laugh that feels like honey dripping in every giggle. Too sugary that it makes Hongbin want to raise up the walls that Hakyeon would still effectively make crumble down.

Instead he averts his gaze, finding to be the ground the safest place where he can fix it on--as if it could help him avoid the loving look that Hakyeon throws at him. Hongbin’s heart hammers the moment that he hears the barely audible sound from Hakyeon’s sneakers coming close to him, quickly coming into his line of sight in no time at all. The weight of Hakeon’s hands lands on him, and it makes a gasp fall from Hongbin’s lips, tearing through the stillness of the still cool night air that Hakyeon effectively warms as his breath fans close to Hongbin, “Are you going to hug me?”

“Hyung - we are in public” Hongbin intervenes, eyes connecting for a brief second before he has to look away as an adorable yet quite frustrated moan escapes Hakyeon’s throat. He doesn’t need to look into his eyes to know the look that paints his face, it can easily reveal itself in his mind. Pursed lips in childish frustration, frown adorning his otherwise soft features--_ too adorable _. It wrecks Hongbin so much and makes him regret that he can’t say just how much he wishes Hakyeon would stay, but it’s beyond his control now, “Haven’t you hugged me already to cover for all the time we won’t be able to?”

Hakyeon just lets out a laugh, “That’s so like you,” he says. Hongbin knows that Hakyeon is aware of his behaviour and how he can’t bring himself to be cheesy in every minute they share. Yet it always staggers, just how knowing so, Hakyeon still manages to put a smile on his face, “You still love me”

“Did I ever say I didn’t?” is Hongbin’s reply to what Hakyeon states, it’s not something that he mentioned but he feels the need to make it clear. Yet the only answer that Hakyeon gives him is a simple action that makes his mind blank for some seconds when Hakyeon rests his forehead against Hongbin’s. His hands reach out for the straps from Hongbin’s hoodie, softly tugging it at with an audible humming that makes the younger let out a soft, “H-hyung” stammering over his own words, over the feeling of Hakyeon’s familiar warm breath now mingling with his own slightly uncomposed one.

Hakyeon’s eyes stare deeply into Hongbin’s, humming softly close to him and the sound vibrates near Hongbin’s lips. Like a silent invitation, tempting him to close the almost nonexistent gap that keeps them apart. And Hongbin would, if his knees weren’t about to give away because Hakyeon is that close to him at the moment, while outside of an establishment. And even if he wishes everybody could know what they share, it still makes Hongbin’s mind shut, “Nice wardrobe choice today” Hakyeon whispers and pulls back,a theft of Hongbin’s coherency with the sudden distance imposed, cockiness playing on his lips in that smile he displays. 

“Hyung why!” Hongbin exclaims, trying to fight the way his heart lacks composure and Hakyeon places a hand on the soft fabric covering Hongbin’s frame. head tilted to the side.

“You have ten seconds to go in before I cling to you and don’t let you go” it’s playful yet at the same time makes Hongbin’s gears stop as a bemused _ ‘what’ _escapes his lips in utter shock, “I’ll kiss you in, ten”

“Hyung”

“Nine”

And Hongbin’s steps make a run for it, knowing that if he does let himself fall into this game where Hakyeon tugs on the right strings of his heart that make Hongbin flail--then he is probably not going to be able to stop himself from getting lost in his taste out in the open, “Food’s on you, hyung!” he shouts while passing the restaurant’s threshold and being met with the curious gazes from his friends, “What” Hongbin blurts.

“We thought it was going to be on you,” Sanghyuk snickers as Hongbin takes a seat next to Jaehwan and Wonshik, “Since you were frozen there for a while”

Hongbin’s hand momentarily raises to slap Sanghyuk’s arm for such comment but the wide grin on his face stops him, “Well this win will cost Hakyeon-hyung this dinner” and Hongbin hisses in reply, for he knows, he just can tell that all of them were watching from the looks they give him. 

“It’s fine,” Hakyeon’s honeyed understanding tone seeps through Hongbin’s ears, his gaze catching Hakyeon staring at him. Hongbin sees Hakyeon tilting his head to the side in questioning when he sees where he is sitting at, yet Hongbin doesn’t really try to correct it--knowing it may be better to let himself calm down than being sitting next to Hakyeon, “It’s on me don’t worry” he mentions, taking a seat next to Sanghyuk.

“Only fair” Wonshik jokes, “It’s in order to celebrate the last time in a while we will see you with hair on hyung”

“I look perfect in any way” Hakyeon counters, earning himself a playful disgusted expression that makes him laugh out loud, cheery and at home, as if they weren’t just going to have dinner together for the last time in a while. 

Jaehwan is quick to snap a pic of the moment with his phone, to cherish the memories he says and Hakyeon can’t help but endearingly ruffle his hair. 

“It’s not the end of the world,” Sanghyuk says, “Just a year and a half vacation from hyung”

“Isn’t it enough vacation now that I live on my own?”

“You still are around, hyung” Wonshik complains, “Clinging around and all, we get a break, you get a break”

“I cling to all I am fond of! I will cling to you all forever!” Hakyeon replies, honesty manifesting in his words and for a split second, Hongbin feels his gaze shifting towards him, unbreakable when he states,“I cling for life, that’s just how it is”

Hongbin attempts to the fight the blush threatening to creep up his necks and cheeks by taking out his phone, distracting himself from Hakyeon’s presence even if momentarily--focus on opening his Twitch app just for the sake of it. He can’t help his attitude when he lets out, “And that’s why you are cheesy as hell” 

He doesn’t fail to catch the amused laugh that escapes Hakyeon’s throat and briefly wonders if he understands that he is calling him out because of all his displays of affection towards him--knowing full well how the effect they have on him. His laugh sounds short and simple, yet the tune reeks of acknowledgement of secrets they are both aware of--like Hongbin’s closet adoration for that cheesiness that his hyung showcases, like Hongbin’s silent fondness for the small and endearing actions that make his heart go.

Hakyeon raises an eyebrow in response however, as if the fact that all of this is but a facade is something that he was aware of. A little on-going game of cat and mouse, pushing and pulling in a magnet-like dynamic that makes the two of them perfectly work in some way, “Oh?” and with that sole sound, Hongbin ends up lowering his gaze. A sound as simple as that one ends up making him remember that that’s why he is with Hakyeon, someone who can see through him so easily.

“Just order okay? I still have to set up stuff regarding my streaming”

“You streamed in the morning“

“Test stream!” and for a minute there, Hongbin forgets it’s not only the two of them. The chaotic noises that ensue in between claimings that Hongbin is really going to set a new record one day, the food that won’t arrive as fast and many inner jokes that are mentioned in the comfort of their own little world they have make Hongbin remember that indeed--him and Hakyeon aren’t alone, but he is with them, with the team he trusts in, with the man who never gave up on trusting him. 

His attention shifts towards his phone from time to time in a vain attempt to prevent nostalgia from starting its course through him--mostly to prevent all the memories from falling over him like an avalanche and have him turning into a sentimental sappy mess that will say out loud he actually wants Hakyeon to stay. And Hakyeon notices the tactic that Hongbin is trying to apply, coming to his attention the moment his phone lights up with a notification. It’s a text on KakaoTalk, their private messages, ‘_ You really like hiding just how much you love me, don’t you? _’ reads his screen.

He is startled, looking back and forth at his screen and Hakyeon as he is talking to Sanghyuk about how he is so proud that he is composing his own music and how it would have been lovely also for Taekwoon to be there, but he understands the busy Elisabeth schedules. Sanghyuk jokes around, “He is going to sentimental post, you will see”

Hongbin replies, _ ‘I’m not even remotely doing so? I’m just not being a clingy boyfriend’ _

_ ‘You haven’t even kissed me’, _ the response he reads makes Hongbin still for some seconds, briefly glancing up and making eye contact with Hakyeon. He frowns, briefly thought for Hakyeon counters that action quickly, Hongbin’s body jolting at the way a smirk begins playing in Hakyeon’s lips. It is beyond Hongbin to be able to understand just how Hakyeon keeps on conversing like he hadn’t just complained about the lack of physical affection from his lover. 

_ ‘I don’t display my love in public’ _

_ ‘You are though’ _ and Hongbin freezes on the spot, phone tightly secured in his hands, _ ‘Or else you wouldn’t be wearing my hoodie’ _

Instinctively, Hongbin shudders. Grimacing at Hakyeon’s way of pointing out the obvious just to make a mess out of his feelings, insisting through the following text that just makes Hongbin put down his phone in a haste or else he will lose it,_ ‘Is this your way you will miss me and need something of mine on you?’ _ the response sent to him makes him visibly malfunction.

“Hey,” Wonshik interrupts, “Are you guys for real? In front of our food?”

“Cheesy much” Sanghyuk comments.

“It’s not like he is going to take your picture off of his PC, hyung” adds Jaehwan.

If Hongbin could have a wish granted to him at this very moment, it really would be for Earth to swallow him whole,“Shut up you all” Hakyeon looks at him though, unbreakable contact formed with the kind of adoration lovers of years who fall for each other all over again every single day hold, “You shut up too, hyung”

The atmosphere quickly shifts, memories and projects come into the conversation and for some minutes it’s enough to diminish Hongbin’s erratic thoughts from going to any negative, to times in which he could have done more, shown more emotions for his hyung. It doesn’t help that Hakyeon keeps looking at him every now and then, smiles being thrown his way making him look away almost immediately, traces of embarrassment evident in the change of his body language.

It pierces, the way everyone is reacting like there is no dilemma going on is something that truly pierce. This atmosphere they are keeping slowly starts to wear on him, but Hongbin still smiles--his hyung is smiling, he should as well and could use his sense of humour to break free of his thoughts. However, Hongbin can tell that as calm as Hakyeon looks on the exterior, there is a high possibility that he could be harbouring all the feelings locked up inside him and so, they will come crashing down when they are all gone and he is back at his place.

It’s a hit of luck basically when Jaehwan says they should all take a picture together to commemorate the moment and update their fans. And when Wonshik jokes around about how now all his hair will be gone yet it still wouldn’t look good as him back when he cut it for a comeback, it makes Hakyeon from, “I’m still handsome you know!” he retaliates playfully and mentions how he plans to let his beloved fans be part of the whole process until he is sent off.

“Such a sap” Wonshik replies, as if the adjective used on Hakyeon didn’t apply to him as well, or to any of them for the matter. But all of them display affection and their bond when Hakyeon takes a couple of pictures of them together which he mentions he is going to upload on Twitter, mentioning how he is going to make sure to promote it all. From Wonshik’s tour and Jaehwan’s musical, also adding Elisabeth to it and Sanghyuk’s new song. _ And of course, _ he makes a point of saying how Hongbin’s stream should also be added, he tries to complain but in futility for Hakyeon says it’s necessary to.

The way that time passes is way too fast for Hongbin to actually keep track, their meal coming to an end quite rapidly. It’s got later in the night and their small gathering has already come to and end once they stand up from their table and Hakyeon just lets out a simple statement that makes Hongbin sigh, “I love you all.” They stand outside the restaurant, all waiting for the cab Hakyeon has called so that he can be driven back to his home for Hakyeon to spend a last night there--he had mentioned that after that, he would go to his parents’ home and then to the base where he would be sent off.

It’s only logical, so they try their best to not be too emotional, yet Hakyeon begins hugging each one of them--giving them advice and telling them that they can call when he gets back his phone after the training is over. But when it comes to hugging Hongbin, he can tell that although he doesn’t really want to--there are signs of hesitance making themselves evident, his hands lingering at the sides of Hakyeon but not quite touching him are a dead giveaway. It doesn’t matter if Hakyeon has wrapped his arms around Hongbin’s neck, the younger can’t really bring himself to hug him back fully. Maybe there’s some fear that if he does, the feelings of him leaving will just finally come to hit him, “I’ll send you a letter, okay?” Hakyeon whispers in his ear.

“You will be in Seoul, don’t worry so much” Hongbin says, when Hakyeon withdraws he sees tinges of unspoken hurt that are painting him, his mouth forming a silent _ ‘Ah’ _as his arms linger on Hongbin’s shoulders.

“I will always worry”

And Hongbin can’t really find a way to reply to that, because he knows there’s no way to lift that weight off of Hakyeon’s shoulders, even if the tries to not give him reasons to concern about him, “Hyung I--” Hongbin says, but the sudden flash of light cutting through the dark hues surrounding them and the honking of a car stops him from voicing all he is keeping inside of him.

“I’ll be going, I’ll text you when back home” Hakyeon says, and mumbles an ‘_ I love you _’ before taking some steps back and heading towards his awaiting cab. Hongbin can’t avoid feeling the beginnings of worry and sadness creeping through him, just seeing the way that Hakyeon’s back is facing him--slowly walking towards the car, just turning around enough to wave at them at them all as Sanghyuk snaps a picture of him. It staggers him, how the moment he is out of Hakyeon’s sphere he can feel as if he was slipping away from his fingers when he had been at his grasp not too long ago.

Hongbin is quick to steal a glance at Sanghyuk’s phone, curiousity taking over at seeing him writing more than he regularly does on Twitter. Hongbin lets out a low ‘Oh’ when he realizes what is in the caption, a last greeting. He hears the door of the cab closing and the sounds of the engine starting. It shouldn’t hit him as bad as it does, but the way it hammers home the fact that him being Hakyeon’s boyfriend hasn’t and doesn’t plan to say much or anything at all about this out of fear of breaking is nothing but hurtful. And he is the only one to blame. 

“You really had to, huh?” Hongbin says. There are no words coming from Sanghyuk for some seconds, taking his time to look at the post before he presses the ‘tweet’ button. And even though Hongbin is surrounded by everyone, by the conversations he can’t really discern in his state--the moment that Sanghyuk does go back to speaking, it takes Hongbin by total surprise for the tone sounds stern coming from the younger.

“So much for not telling him anything” Sanghyuk mutters, Hongbin is quick to catch that his words are directed at him., “Not even an I love you? I mean you two love each other”

The reprimanding is completely justified, yet it’s not like it makes Hongbin feel any better even though he is aware that he deserves to be called out for behaving that way in this gathering, “That’s just how we tick” Hongbin says, half as an excuse, half as fact. And he wishes that it didn’t hurt saying it to cover the way the sound of that engine is haunting, but he at least wants to let excuses hide his feelings. 

“Hyung, he is not going to be around for a while”

“He will come back on visit days”

“Hyung you have been together for years” knowing that there is nothing but truth latching tightly onto Sanghyuk’s words renders Hongbin silent for some moment, especially when it seems like the younger is not done and adds, “Don’t take him for granted” Hongbin’s lips are slightly parted, words of retaliation that won’t come out get strangled in his throat. He can’t help but look at Sanghyuk’s screen, the figure of his boyfriend brightly smiling while waving to the team he has been with for 10 years shoots right through Hongbin--he knows his apprehension has affected him for he knows that even if he is smiling the sight he saw leaving wasn’t just your usual bright Cha Hakyeon.

“Hyung,” Sanghyuk says, to the point while his gaze is fixed on the taxi that’s moving towards the avenue slowly, “He is your boyfriend”

The little bits of composure Hongbin had left on him begin crumbling, little by little he fears that something precious is slipping away from his hands the farther the cars looks. He is not going to be able to see Hakyeon the day after and not until he gets his first break and just lost time where he could be more expressive in trying to keep a calm and composed behaviour that he shouldn’t have had. Hakyeon’s words resonate, the attempts at starting loving actions and eliciting them from him still fresh in the air, the kiss he couldn’t give him still lingering against his lips. 

The traces of a futile wish remain vivid in the air and gather in turbulence at the back of Hongbin’s mind, there is only a silent hope and prayer looming which is for his own stability to not leave with the vehicle the farther it goes. Yet it feels as if the more distance, the less composure he is left with. Hongbin can hear the sound of steps walking away from, conversations becoming into nothing but a hazy mess in his mind--the only thing now presents in his thought is the car turning around at the corner. And something clicks inside him the moment he hears Jaehwan that it’s time they go back to the dorm. He bites down on his bottom lip, clearing his throat before he speaks, “Guys, I’m sorry”

“Hongbin?” he hears Wonshik mention at the unexpected apology.

“Is something wrong Hongbin-ah?” Jaehwan asks all the way from his parked car. Sanghyuk’s gaze just remains fixed on him. Hongbin turns around briefly, exchanging glances with each of them while silent interrogation comes to him just by the expressions shown on his friends’ faces. 

It takes him some seconds to compose, nearly stammering over his words as he says, “I have to do something” his steps going backwards in a haste, he turns around hurriedly, eyes focused on the avenue and starting to walk in the direction where Hakyeon had left off to in the taxi, “Don’t wait for me!” he exclaims as his steps make a run for it, rushing to try and find him even though the logical side of him tells him that no matter if he runs, the car will be long gone.

“Hongbin, wait! we will get you a taxi” He can hear Wonshik’s voice calling out to him, faint and muffled, sound of the night making it get lost the more distance is imposed by his running.

The way his heart rate speeds up and the exhaustion makes his beats drum loudly against his chest is nothing in comparison to the way he feels inside, knowing that he had been the cause for Hakyeon to walk away from him with unspoken hurt and a promise of a text Hongbin was aware Hakyeon knew his boyfriend wasn’t going to answer. Not out of wanting to make him feel unloved, but out of a stupid fear of letting go.

He lifts his hoodie up, letting himself breathe Hakyeon in even if momentarily. A silent display of need that Hakyeon had quickly caught on earlie and he had just been too stubborn to actually admit to. 

He is aware that maybe they are seeing him as he boards a taxi, as he is telling the driver the address of Hakyeon’s flat. He knows he will get pestered for the volatile nature of his actions, that Sanghyuk will bother him and Jaehwan even more so, but he can’t let everything completely go away from him. Not when this night is the only one he will get to be with Hakyeon in some time.

He is not known to be dramatic, but there are times his feelings get the better of him albeit them being under control most of the time. Perhaps he had got drunk on the glances Hakyeon had given him in the restaurant, perhaps it was his smiles, the closeness that he had mistakenly made abysmal in such a short space.

Or perhaps it was that Hakyeon took all of his love with him, without touching him had still managed to take all of him once again. He lets out a long sigh, doesn’t miss the way the driver looks at his reflection at the mirror. And he tries to sit properly, straightening himself and playing with the straps of the hoodie, avoiding the inquiries he may have made arise. Aware that his vibes show no signs of stability and neither of calm at the moment.

His head softly comes to rest against the window, eyes only choosing to focus on the passing cars so as to not make any kind of chat arise or else he won’t know where he began speaking and when will he end. They pass by just as fast as the way Hakyeon left, and he wonders if it all was but a mirage formed by his mind--time is too ephemeral, the nice moments in life too transitory just as the years that have passed in which he still lacks the knowledge on how to handle the feelings he has for Hakyeon.

It’s silent understanding and he is glad, but he is aware that Hakyeon craves affection and that he is aware Hongbin is not one to be as clingy as he is--that his pestering just means he doesn’t know how to show him that he loves him so much because he has always been like that, he has always shown his affection in such way. Yet it doesn’t make it any less wrong, especially not when he is about to go away and maybe with bitter memories of his boyfriend closing off before he is sent to the base accompanying him without any chance for them to be explained.

He is quickly brought from his thoughts when the driver calls out to him and says that they have arrived at his destination. Block in his view when he lifts his gaze, a place Hakyeon had even walked away from as his memory had always taken him back to the dorm. But now a place where he was on his own, one Hongbin had tried not to come too often.

He walks in, feet making him rush up a couple of flights up the stairs in direction to where Hakyeon’s flat is at. His steps take him as if he knew the way by heart, but maybe it’s his heart that knows the way towards Hakyeon. He comes to a stop the moment he is standing in front of Hakyeon’s door, breathing unsteady hand stopping in hesitance before he knocks and then decides to press the bell--a call at his door that this time he doesn’t plan on escaping from, even when he finds himself calling out his name.

It takes some time for Hakyeon to answer, uneasiness surges through Hongbin because he knows that he is there and he can’t help growing impatient, scared mostly and in need to explain. Looming fear that maybe Hakyeon doesn’t want to open the door to him because of what had happened, awaiting the imminent _ ‘Go away, Hongbin’ _that may slip from his lips and crash against the door and dissolve just as it reaches Hongbin’s ears. But there is silence, heavy and frightening silence that won’t be broken no matter how much Hongbin finds himself wishing for it to be immediately. 

His whole body is filled with uneasiness, foot tapping against the ground, hands playing with the straps of the hoodie once more as if it was chaining him to the floor and binding him to Hakyeon at the same time. He doesn’t know what he could even begin saying when Hakyeon opens the door, if he _ even _does. Doesn’t know if he should make a fool of himself just now and pass as maybe desperate, doesn’t even know if it would bother Hakyeon’s neighbours if he starts pleading for that door to be open, even if uncertainty looms in the back of his mind.

He now resorts to knocking, and his mind takes him back to times where he would disappear in the halls of their dorm just to bother his boyfriend and the memories can only make Hakyeon’s name fall from his lips “Cha Hakyeon!” he shouts, knowing that that’s surely going to make him react in some way. Bring him close to him if to at least scold him like he deserves, “Hey, Cha Hakyeon!” 

His breathing is uneven due to the anxiety rising in him, worry coursing through him rapidly, “Cha Hakyeon, come out!” escapes his system now in urgency. And it’s when his hand comes to knock again on the wooden door that his hit misses as the door opens before him, revealing a wide eyed Hakyeon looking at him, with surprise and bewilderment.

It’s the scent of faint lavender the one that invades Hongbin’s system rapidly, making all of his senses come to a subtle halt when he takes in Hakyeon’s presence fully. Hair damp, soft and comfortable clothing couple with an expression of utter disbelief as his eyes stares directly into Hongbin’s, “What on earth Lee Hongbin!” his lips are agape, hand on the door frame.And Hongbin can just tell that there is a bit of annoyance coursing through him but it stops moment he seems to take in Hongbin’s features entirely, the way he is standing like he had run a marathon--drained and with no strength left. The quiver in his lips makes Hakyeon let out a soft _ ‘Oh’ _that Hongbin can’t quite tell the meaning of.

Hakyeon scans him, pupils dilating, “You ran?” Hongbin doesn’t respond to his question, wanting to hear more of Hakyeon’s voice instead. Hakyeon straightens himself, voice now small--worry manifesting in the way he speaks, “I really thought I would need to call you to tell you goodnight”

“I know”

Hakyeon’s gaze falls on the ground, “I didn’t expect you to come here”

Silence hangs in the air as glances are exchanged briefly. Hongbin doesn’t know where to begin, but he can tell there is something that prevents Hakyeon from keeping on speaking. Uncertainty skyrockets and Hongbin knows it is his fault, that he made the gap between resemble miles when they are at arms reach.

So the only thing that he can do, the only word that ends up slipping from his lips is something simple but that is able to make the man before him react, “Hakyeon”

“Hey-”

Hongbin’s actions take Hakyeon entirely by surprise, and somewhere deep down in his thoughts--Hongbin can’t deny he is also taken aback by the way his own body is reacting. A hand coming to cup one of Hakyeon’s cheek, thumb rubbing soft skin he has touched countless of times and for some reason, every time feels like the first time--as if the weight of what they share had never settled in, as if for Hongbin all was brand new to the point he at times even feels abashed at all the displays of affection.

Yet he is the one initiating it this time, opening an invitation, perhaps trying to let a silent apology mark itself in that soft caress. Hakyeon looks at him, lips slightly opened with Hongbin’s name caught in his throat. Hongbin knows Hakyeon’s gaze pierces through him, stuns him, and he doesn’t fail to notice signs of crying in Hakyeon’s eyes--slightly red, and Hongbin is guilty for it, “I’m sorry” he whispers, yet it messes him up. Hakyeon bites his own lip in concern, gaze held steady, looking at Hongbin since his hand won’t leave him, “I’m sorry, hyung”

Hongbin doesn’t allow for Hakyeon to say anything, won’t let any word form because he rather chooses to bring Hakyeon closer, a hand on his waist, the other trailing down towards his neck. He allows for each other to breathe in the closeness that he has now imposed, and his heart somersaults. As if it was the first time, as if it was the last time--and the gap between closes, Hongbin’s lips meeting Hakyeon’s in urgency, in need.

The threshold being the frame to a picture that will stay still in time, for time is what they will have less of now, and Hongbin wishes that the way he is letting his frame curve into Hakyeon’s, that the way he is taking the liberty to let his fingers hold the back of Hakyeon’s head to deepen the kiss gets to show his longtime lover that he reciprocates his feelings tenfold and if words at times are too scarce, he hopes his actions speak louder this one time.

It’s the way that Hongbin feels Hakyeon’s arms wrap instinctively around his neck that makes his defenses fully shatter, and he knows the older can’t help but relish the long sigh that falls from his lips and that Hakyeon breathes in, utterly captivated. The whispers of his name that fall in between the kisses they share make Hongbin fall all over again.

Hongbin is enraptured, the way that he can just fall into Hakyeon and let himself in his hands even when he is the one taking control just reminds of how much he trusts this man. Of how much he will miss this man that had changed him and accepted everything of him as he was without attempting to change him. 

Hongbin presses his forehead against Hakyeon, adoring the way they both sound like a mess of emotions ready to explode and Hakyeon is breathing unevenly, short little puffs of breath caressing Hongbin’s lips, silently screaming at him that he had needed this, that he had needed him--and Hongbin did as well. Hakyeon’s hands get lost in Hongbin’s locks, preciously indulging in the feel of his hair, and Hongbin trembles from it but he keeps his head in the moment, “I didn’t mean it” he apologizes fully, even though he is aware that Hakyeon understands him and wouldn’t ever judge him for anything.

“I know” Hakyeon utters with a light nod.

“I just can’t cope well right now”

“I know”

It always stuns him, that silent comprehension that they both have going on, unspoken connection he always wondered the meaning of. But he feels words are needed, in an instance like this--he feels they are, “I really can’t let go of you but I know I have to” Hakyeon hums in response and Hongbin can’t help his heart, it’s soaring high, it’s making him malfunction because if he wasn’t he wouldn’t be stealing a kiss from Hakyeon’s lips, letting his lips linger against the other and Hakyeon picks up on it.

If there was any sort of barrier painted with hesitance surrounding them still, all what was left of it has been completely dismantled, emotionally and physically wise the moment Hongbin knows Hakyeon is aware that he won’t be complaining if he takes him in between his arms, trapping him with Hongbin being nothing but willing. His resolve won’t falter, not when Hakyeon is caressing his back and clinging onto him like he was going to disappear, not when his hands land on Hongbin’s face and a whisper of ‘_ Bin-ah _’ makes nearly all words but Hakyeon’s name vanish from Hongbin’s mind. 

Their walk into Hakyeon’s flat is nothing but the perfect combination for disaster, with just Hakyeon’s memory letting Hongbin in that personal space he had constructed for himself being the one to guide them. And as not fully familiar as it may be, it still feels like home when Hongbin manages to close the door behind him, it still feels like home because just as they walk backwards towards one of the couches at Hakyeon’s living room--Hongbin can just feel all of him, and is far more intoxicating than Hakyeon’s own room back at the dorm, because every bit of this place’s aura belongs to the man who is embracing like his life depended on it.

It’s not an accident when they fall on Hakyeon’s couch, Hongbin is truthfully aware that being this close it’s something that they both want. He gazes at Hakyeon from above, both knees straddling Hakyeon’s thighs. A featherlight touch on his face is what makes Hakyeon finally speak, with a small laugh escaping him as his hands can’t help but grab hold of Hongbin’s face, “It’s lovely, you know?”

And Hongbin tilts his head in confusion, “You really needed me that close”

“Hyung--”

“The hoodie, I meant that” Hakyeon says, fingers taking hold of the straps and playing with them to the point it makes Hongbin hesitate slightly whether he should be in this position at all, mind in too much turbulence, “Truly needed something mine on you”

Hongbin wishes he could retaliate but he can only cheekily say, “Can take it off no problem” and Hakyeon’s laughter sounds like music to his ears, probably because he stated the obvious thing that would happen.

“Sure,” Hakyeon says, pulling at the straps of the hoodie as he pulls at Hongbin’s heartstrings and Hongbin is suddenly brought completely on top of Hakyeon, faces unbearably close. Hakyeon kisses him, soft and languid, soft touch at his scalp making Hongbin’s defenses go low to the point whatever control he must have shown is thrown out of the window the minute Hakyeon takes both of Hongbin’s wrists in his hands--making it so that before Hongbin can notice, he is the one trapped against the couch, under Hakyeon’s enamoured gaze.

Hongbin’s breath stills and not at the sudden theft of power he has been target of but just at the way his trust for Hakyeon can expand into every single aspect of their life. But it hits him at the same time, that for a minute there perhaps he broke that trust, by making him think he didn’t want him near. When Hakyeon smiles lovingly at him, Hongbin can’t help but beat himself up for it all, “I knew you were lonely and I--” but Hakyeon’s lips on his forehead stop any further apology from being mentioned, they are scattered everywhere on his face but on his lips and it’s making gasps falling from Hongbin rip through the air they share. 

“I'm not lonely now”, Hongbin feels Hakyeon’s whispers imprinting against the skin of his neck and that prompts him to let go of everything and hold tightly onto his all, taking Hakyeon’s lips, his gasps, his taste, falling deeper alongside him.

It makes his head dizzy, inebriated as the small whimpers of his name resonate at the back of his throat and the endearments of ‘_Hong-Hong-Hongbin-ah’_ bring back memories that he is ready to revive tonight.

Words aren’t necessary, but he is sure that throughout the night there will be a way for him to just bring himself to fully say it out loud, that_ ‘I love you, Cha Hakyeon’ _ that will remain marked and echo against the walls of Hakyeon’s flat.

///

Hongbin finds himself curled up in his own bed when the clock marks midday. It wouldn't be an unusual occurrence given the fact that his sleeping schedules have been sort of out of control, but he knows that videogames aren't to blame for the fact that he is still sleeping at that time. Somewhere in the depths of his mind, he misses the scent of lavender filling up his nostrils, he misses the warmth, the way that Hakyeon just happens to be his total complement in every possible way--from the way they just understand one another without the need for words to the way it feels like they were just made to fit every curve of one another, to inhale in each sound and elicit it. 

Hongbin can't help but sigh and reach for his pillow, hugging it and searching for a way to at least fill the space, even for a bit, even if Hakyeon is not gone yet.

For some seconds, he wishes the others weren't so loud at this time, even though he was the one that arrived past five in the morning with his heart still drumming loudly he was worried they would hear him. He tosses and turns for a while and once he hears Jaehwan's and Sanghyuk's voices boom through the halls he can't help irritation slipping through his lips, "I'm trying to sleep here, don't be so noisy!"

There is muffled chattering he can barely discern in the state he is in, and he is sure they are gossiping but he couldn't care less about moving and actually do something about it. His door opens and he can see flashes of dark auburn entering his room, he buries his face on his pillow because he can just feel Sanghyuk's gaze boring into him.

"Long night hyung?"

The tone in which Sanghyuk is saying those words reeks cockiness, Hongbin doesn't even need to see his face to visualize the grin that must be plastered in the younger’s visage, "Very long night if you arrived so late"

"Shut up"

"You do know that hyung is going to be a soldier in really shortly and that he is not that young, shouldn't make him--" and Hongbin can't stop his reflexes, taking his pillow and throwing at Sanghyuk, "tired, Hongbin-hyung" he finishes his sentence. And Hongbin doesn't know if he is getting flustered or angry but he just covers himself with his white sheets, unwilling to see the face of a particular Han Sanghyuk that had been reprimanding him the night before.

"Go away and let me sleep" he whines.

"Sleep your long night away" says Sanghyuk. But Hongbin can't really get payback for the teasing for the moment he tries to sit up, Sanghyuk throws the pillow back at him and rushes out of the room.

Hongbin sighs, he will get pestered for a while. And even though it's midday, he feels as if the day wasn't going to pass by as fast as he would love to. So he decides to make it rush, push the thoughts of enlistment to the back of his head and let the games fill his mind for the rest of the night.

It's not really scheduled and he doesn't know how long he will be around, but he hopes it's long enough to be able to just keep the last kisses he shared with Hakyeon in his mind and not focus in the upcoming separation. After all, at least he still has his picture on his computer and can get to be with him throughout the whole night again. 

He speaks a lot even if he would rather not say much during stream, yet behind his screen he at least gets to tell him a last goodnight message because it will take a while until he can say something to Hakyeon again, but at least it was clear that he would miss him. 

And with Hakyeon's hoodie on him, he lets the night attempt to take care of his longing heart that little does he know will become his routine. 

**Author's Note:**

> MOD HERE --- okay this is long overdue my dearest prompter and I hope that I have got even close to the prompt that you sent agdhfjg I really tried to base this in canon and I just hope that the enlistment weekend can fit the theme ;;? 
> 
> I hope you enjoy though!;---; I'm sorry for the late! But here is 8k+ of nbin for you ♡ loved the prompt and had to write it.
> 
> Hope all nbin nation enjoys ♡


End file.
